Betrayal Trauma and Abuse

Happiness is hard to find.

You have everything a person could ask for – a loving partner, a few kids, a successful career, and a beautiful home in a friendly neighborhood.

And yet, you’re unhappy.

It’s hard to figure out why because nothing is wrong.

The kids are doing well in school, you got a promotion recently at work, and you’re planning a summer vacation to Cancun.

What in the world do you have to be unhappy about?

Well, there is a growing distance between you and your partner. They’ve been under a lot of stress lately. You’ve doubled your efforts to be patient and loving and lighten their load any way you can.

Despite your efforts, it doesn’t seem to help. They work long hours and keep to themselves when they’re home. Your efforts to connect typically end in apologizing for something and then retreating in isolation.

On the inside, loneliness is killing you, but you put on a happy face for your kids and the world. Sometimes, you almost convince yourself that you are happy.

All marriages have problems. You’ve heard that before. “But is it expected to struggle this much,” you wonder.

You’re not even sure what is struggling.

You feel pretty good about things whenever you talk to your partner about the relationship.

It’s an embarrassment to admit, but sometimes you check their email, text messages, and browser history after your partner is asleep. Part of you wonders if they could be having an affair. “I’m going crazy,” you tell yourself when you find no evidence of one.

Until one day, when you get information that changes everything, you confront your partner and watch as the blood drains from their face. There are profuse apologies and promises it will never happen again.

They leave love notes and gifts throughout the house for you and help out more with the kids. You’re spending time together and feeling more connected.

Understanding how you feel is confusing!

One moment, you long for closeness; the next, you’re recoiling from their touch. Sometimes, you feel numb inside, and other times, you can feel red-hot rage surging through your body.

Talking about your partner’s betrayal angers them, but you can’t let it go. It hurts. They accuse you of being unforgiving and remind you that they have changed. That’s in the past.

Then, they turn their attention back to you. They remind you how controlling and untrusting you are. Come to think of it, that’s likely what drove them to have an affair. So, this was your fault.

But they love you and think you’re terrific. They’re in this 100 percent now. Things will be different from here on out.

What is Betrayal Trauma?

Betrayal trauma refers to the physical, emotional, and psychological distress that occurs when a trusted institution, loved one, or intimate partner violates your trust or well-being.

Incidences of betrayal trauma can include things like caregiver abuse, institutionalized racism, a romantic partner’s infidelity or sexual addiction, or a business partner’s embezzlement of company money.

Betrayal trauma is different from other kinds of trauma (like natural disasters or car accidents) because the source of your pain is the person or people whom you have trusted and depended on.

What is Abuse?

Individuals and institutions that violate others’ trust often display abusive behaviors. Abuse is about establishing and demonstrating power and control over another person. It can be financial, physical, sexual, verbal, or psychological. Everyone is capable of being abusive at times. You’ve probably said or done hurtful things to loved ones before. Looking back on it, you feel bad and know it was wrong to say or do those things.

Psychological maturity involves noticing when we feel guilty, reflecting on our actions, and making the changes necessary to live up to our values. Someone with psychological maturity can sincerely apologize for poor behavior and patiently work to build trust again in the relationship. They can regulate their emotions and be responsible for their behavior.

An abuser, on the other hand, habitually shifts the blame for their actions and lack of emotion regulation onto others. They may seem remorseful initially when confronted about their bad behavior. Some part of them may genuinely be remorseful.

However, a more significant part works hard to protect them from feeling shame. This part of them will use manipulation tactics like gaslighting (getting you to doubt reality), playing the victim, guilt trips, love bombing, giving the silent treatment, lying, or even threatening suicide to exert control over you and keep you from leaving the relationship.

Betrayal blindness is a likely response.

After a violation of trust, your brain copes by dissociating and blocking out the painful information so you can focus on basic needs for survival and attachment. It is common for victims to pendulate between wanting a connection with and then hating their partner. This response is a normal reaction to betrayal; there is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way.

As human beings, our hard-wiring is for connection. Our need to belong and matter to someone is so strong that it can override the detection of betrayal and abuse. Researcher Dr. Jen Freyd refers to this phenomenon as “betrayal blindness.”

Survivors of betrayal trauma and abuse tend to feel shame for having missed the red flags “right in front of their face” or for continuing to excuse their partner’s behavior for years. You may believe that you deserved the abuse or that a higher power or the universe was punishing you.

If you are experiencing intense feelings of shame for the treatment you received, please know that you are not alone, and you don’t deserve to be betrayed and abused.

First things first – take care of yourself!

Betrayal trauma and abuse have a profound impact on your brain and body. Self-care is key. Eat nourishing meals, drink water daily, and practice good sleep habits. Take time each day to meditate, pray, or practice mindfulness.

Give yourself grace and ask for help where you can. Treat yourself as though you’re recovering from a surgery.

It will take some time to get back to feeling normal, and that’s okay. It’s part of the process.

Let me help you set healthy boundaries and heal from betrayal.

In therapy, I offer a supportive, nonjudgmental space to help you look at and face the reality of the situation you are (or were) in. Together, we can work to help you develop coping strategies, set healthy boundaries, improve your self-esteem, and learn to build secure relationships in the future.

I am trained in specific therapies to help you overcome negative self-beliefs holding you back from healthier relationships. We can use Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) to process the trauma stored in your body. This approach can help you get relief from feelings of shock and emotional pain. It can also help shift your brain toward an adaptive perspective and empower you to keep healthy boundaries and emotionally protect yourself.

“Your baggage may not be your fault, but healing is your responsibility.”
– Denise Frohman

It’s a harsh reality but an important one to accept. You have no control over others and how they treat you. What you can control is your response to their actions. You can control what healthy boundaries you need to protect yourself.

If you need help navigating the path of healing from betrayal and abuse, contact me for a free 15-minute consultation. I would be honored to walk with you on your journey to healthier relationships with others and yourself.